CLOTHES DON’T FOLD THEMSELVES
In honor of Mother's Day and in particular the most unique and amazing mom ever, I compiled a list of things I have learned or failed to learn from Nancy Jane Carr Browder:
You taught me…
- …not being able to cook a meal is not necessarily a permanent affliction.
- ...before turning in for the night, you should always ask the people who are still awake if they think it's a good idea.
- …money isn’t everything.
- …knowing stuff is.
- …clothes don’t fold themselves.
- …closets don’t have to be organized.
- …not to work too much. Your family doesn’t care about how many hours you put in.
- …dog’s are nice to have but not to touch.
- …you can spend lots of time outdoors and still be afraid of bugs.
- …the power of a good nap.
- …Santa Clause is real.
- …doing funny, random things is not embarrassing.
- …you can get too much of a good thing. Like sarcasm, and salt.
- …you can never have too many knives.
- …incorrect grammar is reprehensible.
- …never let your cheese string.
- …bodily functions are not funny. (even though they are)
- …if you find something soft, never let it go.
- …you don’t have to use derogatory terms for body parts.
More importantly…..
- …what a good marriage looks like.
- …women are not less capable than men.
- …seeing the world is the ultimate goal.
- …staying physically active is the key to youth.
- …age is just a number, but you don’t have to accept your number OR let anyone else know .
- …the same goes for weight.
- ...to hold the less fortunate in high regard.
- …to never judge people based on poor decisions.
- …to be aware that everyone has a right to an opinion. Mine may not be the best one.
- …to laugh at myself to the point of tears when others are laughing at me.
- …being generous to a fault has no down side.
- …I have a right to be loved.
- …life is too short not to enjoy.
- …learn as much as you can
- .…it’s never too late…for a variety of reasons.
These are but a few things that stand out to me about what my mom embodies. I do not claim to have displayed these traits as of yet, however hopefully at some point, my children may see some of the same in me. A perfect reason why …..it’s never too late to leave an impression.
Jill
SO, YOU’RE GONNA NEED INSURANCE FOR THAT INSURANCE
Due to the very personal nature of this subject as well as the need to protect the identity of the extreme innocent, I will refer to said subject as, "my friend".
So, my friend, takes her daughter to the hospital after the dear child complained of a severe stomach ache accompanied by vomiting. They arrive at 10:15 and the child is immediately diagnosed with acute appendicitis and is told she would need surgery. The dear child is then wheeled into surgery long about the time of 12:01 am. The surgeon performed the simple, laproscopic procedure to the tune of $38,000 and...a nip...a tuck, and dear child was released, having never even been admitted. Here's the good part: "My friend" was set to take new insurance through her company effective- 12:01am on the very same day. Follow me? Long story short....wait for it...Insurance 10:15pm says they were no longer "my friend's" provider at the time of the procedure, and Insurance 12:01am says it was a pre-exsisting condition and they are not liable for the charges.
Apparently, if you were smart, you would have GAP coverage on yourself and your family. Now, GAP coverage will cover you in the event that you overcome the astronomical odds of having two insurances and yet neither is responsible for your coverage....however, this " insurance insurance" is going to cost you. In fact, you may just prefer to pay for services rendered.
Disclaimer: This is a funny story only because it is actually real. Stay tuned for the sure- to- be- hilarious legal battle!
MAKING HISTORY
It was recently my birthday, and as is tradition for my workplace, I donned the customary head gear. The entire day, you are required to wear a headband with springy stars extending approximately 6 inches off the head. The bling had the expected attention-grabbing response during a work related conversation with a male colleague. His awareness was continually drawn to my "appendages". While trying to repeatedly to make eye contact, I had to, for the first time in female human history, utter the phrase, "Hey buddy, my eyes are down here!"
I’D RATHER HAVE PIZZA
At the end of every harried day at work, I often reflect on some of the things that are "laugh revolution-able" content and realize that at that particular point in the day when said content occurred, I was completely unmoved. (Was that a complex-compound sentence?) At any rate, as I was telling a colleague what I saw this student doing at lunch, it finally dawned on me, "wait a minute, that s*#t was funny! How could I NOT have appreciated that? As I was pacing between tables in a noisy, and somewhat gross elementary school cafeteria, repeating the phrases, " That does not belong in your nose!" and "Don't blow bubbles with that," I gazed upon a normally out of control student talking on a banana. I listened in for a minute, and it appeared he was arranging a delivery of some sort. I shook my head, rolled my eyes and continued my stroll throughout the tables of chanting 2nd graders: "Give me back my shoe!", "You just coughed a lugie on my hoagie!" "Quit pulling my hair!" "Mrs. Viiickeerrsss, Justin just threw a carrot!" ....and the list is endless.....About 4 minutes later as I made my way back around to the end of the table where this student was sitting, it occurred to me as I passed by, that he was STILL talking on the banana! With 15 minutes to eat lunch, this child spent 1/3 of his time with a banana in his ear. Still unamused, I inquired, "Jonathon, who have you been talking to? You need to eat." He quickly replied, "Domino's...I'd rather have pizza, but they put me on hold."
NOSE-ECTOMY
I have new vision insurance with the new company that I work for. It is nice to have, but I still don't understand it. I read in the brochure that I was to receive a $210 refund for medically necessary contact lenses, and $105 refund for elective lenses.
I went to get my daughter's contacts, which she needs for near-sightedness, but only received the $105 refund- so I called the insurance company to inquire as to why I hadn't received my full refund.
The customer service agent asked me if my daughter had a medical diagnosis which would make wearing contacts medically necessary. I'm thinking "Duh"- but politely replied, "Yes, myopia, near-sightedness." She responded, "I don't think that is an acceptable diagnosis for medically necessary contacts." She continued, " There must be a condition where you cannot wear glasses, but you have to wear contacts."
A midst my confusion I said , "Well, I assumed that the color change lenses were elective, and the vision correction lenses were medically necessary. What on earth medical diagnosis is there where you cannot wear glasses and have to wear contacts, other than maybe you have no ears?!" I laughed at myself, but she was not amused. She curtly replied, "No ma'am, there are diagnoses where you cannot wear glasses, and have to wear contacts."
I was still laughing so I threw in, "What else, like, nose-ectomy?" Crickets. "Well ok then...." Dead air.
I am still perplexed as to what this condition may be. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I will try to compose myself and call back to ask her supervisor, since she didn't seem to be able to specify.
Stay tuned
PLAY HARD, REST HARD
My hubs bought a new vacuum the other day which we needed. He commented that unlike our current vac, this one had the added feature of being able to pick up dirt off the floor. Cool!
So he has been feverishly vacuuming the house (which, might I add, may be the sexiest thing I have seen in a long time! Woof!)
He finished a round of vacuuming and soon fell asleep in the recliner.
My daughter looked at him and proudly said, "Vacuum hard or go home, right Dad?"
HIGH TECH FINGERS
Once again, I am unashamedly hacking my daughters material. The other day she vulgarly asked her sister to "pull her finger". Sister most certainly refused, to wit, she requisitioned the dog. "Bazzle, pull my finger." Baz, never one to miss an opportunity, gave it a cursory lick, causing the intended gustatory reaction. She was called to the carpet by sister who said, "It doesn't count, he just licked it!"
Her immediate response, "What can I say... it's touch sensitive."
SIDE EFFECTS
Everyone has heard pharmaceutical companies advertise the newest product on the market, for restless leg or dry eyes or impotence or you-name-it. They all come with disclaimers that make the possible side effects sound almost as detrimental as the original problem. One such disclaimer, in quick legal-ese by the announcer, said that if you had the "inexplicable urge to gamble or have sex call your doctor." Now that, in and of itself, is worthy of a "laugh rev" post, but my daughter, about 7 or 8 at the time heard this and took it much more literally. She puts her hands up to her face, like a phone call, and says, "Hey Doc, wanna gamble?" I guess that is who you need to call if you really, really need to gamble...
HARD TO SAY GOOD BYE!
On a recent hotel stay in Jekyll Island, my daughter excused herself to the restroom. With all of us in the same room and waiting to share one bathroom, one may take particular notice that one may be" indisposed" for an unusually long time. My husband called out to my daughter saying "What are you doing in there?"
Reply from behind the closed door: "Dropping the kids off at the pool!"
Dad: "What's taking so long?"
Reply from behind the closed door (without missing a beat): "Sometimes it's just hard to say good-bye."
BIRD WHISPERER
Oddly, we had a spate of episodes last summer where several random birds flew into our house over the course of a couple of weeks. Were they daring each other, with wing-y high five's and bird seed pay outs to a bet? Regardless, they took turns flying in and around our living room. So frequent were the visits that we could even call "Bird Procedures", wherein we would close the interior doors, put the dog in the bedroom and duck (no pun intended) down behind the kitchen counter so as not to be off putting to the entrant, attempting to exit. One such bird flew up to the ceiling fan. My husband found a dowel and held it up to the wild bird's chest. She hopped right on and he walked her out the back door. This happened on several more occasions with a variety of different birds. These random, yet somehow intricately choreographed intrusions went on for a few weeks, and then they just stopped. We haven't entertained another uninvited winged guest since. My husband's most significant title, other than MARINE LIFE SCULPTOR, (www.kjellvistnes.com) is BIRD WHISPERER!
